Repentance (Lesson 19)

A familiar scripture from the testimony of the Apostle John was spoken by Jesus to Nicodemus as the Savior attempted to help the Pharisee understand His role: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved” (John 3:16-17).  Verse 16 is the reference that is placed on placards and flashed at sporting and other televised events, but, to my mind, verse 17 is even more important because it gives the conditions of the “love” Heavenly Father has for the “world” (or, in other words, for us, His spirit children) by its use of the words condemn and saved.

Some of the definitions of the word condemn found in Webster's dictionary include: “to declare to be reprehensible, wrong, or evil usually after weighing evidence and without reservation; to pronounce guilty: convict; sentence, doom”.  None of these definitions sound very appealing and none of them describe the Savior’s mission.  Jesus came in the meridian of time “to preach good tidings unto the meek; … to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and … [open] the prison to them that are bound” (Isaiah 61:1); he did not come then nor does he now sentence us—that will come later after every opportunity has dried up.  Everything Jesus has done and continues to do is for “the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation” (2 Nephi 26:24).

An example of this was when the woman caught in the act of adultery was brought before Jesus.  The scribes and Pharisees wanted quick and immediate judgment—condemnation for the sinful act.  In reality, they wanted Christ to do or say something that would allow them to condemn Him more than they wanted condemnation of the woman, but the initial implication was that swift conviction and a sentence of doom (death, according to the Law of Moses) was what these religious leaders demanded.  Despite their insistence, however, Jesus “stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not” (John 8:6).  His action stood as a symbolic and subtle reminder that He was the author of the Law of Moses in the first place!  Not catching the meaning of His action, the scribes and Pharisees continued to press him for a verdict.

Perhaps with a sigh, Jesus stood and gave them one: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7).  Suddenly, the voices that had been so insistant ceased as every single man, now “convicted by their own conscience” (John 8:8), shuffled silently away while Jesus returned to writing on the ground.  Moments later, after the group had departed, Jesus looked up to see the woman now alone.  “Woman,” He asked, “where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?”  “No man, Lord,” she replied.  “Neither do I condemn thee,” He said and then gave her the commandment. “Go, and sin no more” (John 8:10-11).

By extending mercy to the woman, Jesus was not condoning her sin.  As President Boyd K. Packer taught, “pure Christian love, the love of Christ, does not presuppose approval of all conduct (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 20).  The Savior’s command to “Go, and sin no more,” doesn’t leave room for doubt about His feelings concerning her actions.  He wrote “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14), with His finger on the tablets that Moses brought to the people—His statement explicitly directs her to keep that and all the other commandments—but neither is He going to render the swift conviction and irrevocable sentence of death by stoning demanded by the scribes and Pharisees.  He came to save this woman (and each and every one of us) through His atoning sacrifice.  His promise to her, and to all of us, is that the “brutal dark winter [of sin can] be replaced with one brilliant morning [of forgiveness]” (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 18). 

A recent trip to the temple reminded me that it is Lucifer who truly desires to condemn us.  The adversary strives to have us believe that the moment we commit sin we're finished.  "Oh, look what you've done," he growls. "You're dirty, worthless!  Do you think Father will come to you or have anything to do with you now?  You might as well give up.  There's no chance of overcoming this blunder!"  Satan wants us to think things are hopeless because he doesn't want us to focus on the "merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah" (2 Nephi 2:8).  Repentance brings relief and peace of mind; it is the soap to wash away the spiritual stain.  If Satan can get us to believe we are lost, then he is well on his way to making us "miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27) and leading us "carefully down to hell" (2 Nephi 28:21) where he can grasp us "with his awful chains" (2 Nephi 28:22).

In these moments when we may think all is lost, remember the assurance President Packer offered when he affirmed that "save for those few who defect to perdition after having known a fulness, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness." (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 19, emphasis added).  I’ve used this quote before, but the message is so important that it cannot be overstated (even President Packer reiterated the comment a second time toward the end of his address).  The Savior’s mercy, extended to us in the form of repentance which is an outgrowth of His atoning sacrifice, allows us to overcome the condemnation Lucifer would have us believe in order to step out into the brilliant morning and feel the warm sun on our faces.  This is why Elder Neal A. Maxwell testified that repentance is "a rescuing, not  a dour doctrine. It is available to the gross sinner as well as to the already-good individual striving for incremental improvement" (Ensign, Nov. 1991, 30).  The problem with repentance, in Elder Maxwell's estimation, is that it is "too little understood,  too little applied by us all, as if it were merely a word on a bumper sticker" (ibid, 30).

Again turning to Webster’s, one of the definitions offered for repent is “to feel sorrow, regret”.   Feelings such as these are definitely an emotional part of what could be called the “process” or the “steps” of repentance.  In fact, in teaching about repentance both Preach My Gospel (the missionary manual) and Gospel Principles (the Sunday school manual) offer the steps or process of repentance: recognition, sorrow, forsaking, confessing, restitution, forgiving others and keeping the commandments.  This list can be helpful in offering goals and increasing understanding of the progressive movement toward the Savior.  However, as Elder D. Todd Christofferson warned the danger with “steps” such as these is when they “lead to a mechanical, check-off-the-boxes approach with no real feeling or change. True repentance is not superficial” (Ensign, Nov. 2011, 40). 

An understanding of the doctrine of repentance will assist in deepening the steps and process given in the two manuals.  Elder Russell M. Nelson explained that the “doctrine of repentance is much broader than a dictionary’s definition.  When Jesus said ‘repent,’ His disciples recorded that command in the Greek language with the verb metanoeo.  This powerful word has great significance. In this word, the prefix meta means ‘change.’   The suffix relates to four important Greek terms: nous, meaning ‘the mind’; gnosis, meaning ‘knowledge’; pneuma, meaning ‘spirit’; and pnoe, meaning ‘breath.’  Thus, when Jesus said ‘repent,’ He asked us to change—to change our mind, knowledge, and spirit—even our breath" (Ensign, May 2007, 103).  Thus we see (to coin a phrase) that true repentance is not a passive exercise, nor does it offer only a fancy façade for us to wear—true repentance delves deep and works from the inside outward.

Repentance refines our mind from insisting on our own will and sinful behavior to becoming someone who seeks the mind of God and do His will (see D&C 64:34).  Repentance helps us turn away from the transitory knowledge of the world to the amazing vistas of knowledge and wisdom offered by our Father in Heaven (see Mosiah 27:36).  Repentance opens our spirit to become teachable, contrite, ready to be the servant Father needs us to be in these troubled times (see D&C 52:15-16).  Repentance changes our breath from speaking unkind words to offering praise to our Elder Brother for the blessing He gives us through His life, His commandments, His church and His atonement (Alma 26:12).  This conversion is what is called in the Book of Mormon the mighty change of heart (see Mosiah 5:2; Alma 5:14) and this change cannot take place unless we put forth the needed effort to allow it to work within us.

The balm of repentance is extended to us through our Elder Brother's sacrifice.  When properly applied, it can offer healing to our wounded souls.  With constant application, it can change our natures to become better, but it will not work properly unless we apply it regularly to our souls.  If we want our countenances to appear more like the Savior, we need to do the necessary work to make the transformation occur.  Again quoting from Elder Christofferson: "It would mock the Savior's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross for us to expect that He should transform us into angelic beings with no real effort on our part.  Rather, we seek His grace to complement and reward our most diligent efforts" (ibid, 39).  Repentance is a crucial component of that necessary effort.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to repent.  As I consider the person I was 20 years ago to the person I am today, I thankfully see progress of a positive nature.  On the other hand, I also see that I have a long way to go.  None of my progress, however, would have been possible without the Savior's matchless atonement.  Words cannot adequately express the gratitude I feel for this beautiful gift from my Elder Brother.  I can only continue to push forward and strive to do better each day.  When the time of judgement arrives and Christ prepares to hand down His final verdict, it will be us who will either condemn ourselves and "would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us and hide us from his presence" (Alma 12:14), or to understand that His saving grace allows us to have our "confidence wax strong in the presence of God" (D&C 121:45).  My hope is for the latter, for then I will know that my reliance on my Savior's sacrifice will have changed me to become like Him.

The Extraction of Wisdom

One of the rights of passage as a young man or woman prepares for missionary service is the loss of wisdom … teeth that is. ☺  As part of Ben’s filling out his mission “papers” (funny how it’s still thought of in that regard even though everything is done  on-line now ☺), is the sections having to do with the candidate’s medical and dental portion.  In Ben’s case, with his being diagnosed with hyper-mobility syndrome, he needs additional doctor visits to his orthopedist and rheumatologist to get statements from them as to his physical limitations and ability to serve.  Along with the doctor visits is the inevitable trip to the dentist which  leads to the trip to the oral surgeon for removal of those wonderful teeth that have been given the moniker of “wisdom” teeth. 

I guess you could say Ben got lucky.  Turns out he had only two wisdom teeth and the surgery went relatively well.  The bummer part is that everyone  failed to realize that he has his final school talent show coming in a few days.  We are all hoping that he recovers enough to be able to beat box for his fans one more time. 

When I came home today and found him in his state of recovery, I couldn't help but be transported back to my own experience with wisdom extraction.   I was in the same situation as Ben, preparing my missionary papers.  As I look back on that time, I can honestly say that one of the reasons I didn't leave immediately after turning 19 was the fact that I knew this extraction would need to take place.  Just the thought of having to go through with the removal of another 4 teeth didn't appeal to me and I procrastinated as long as I could before going through with it.  You see, I had already had 4 teeth removed from my mouth when I started wearing braces.  Apparently,  I had more teeth than my mouth could handle and in order to make enough room to straighten out the crooked teeth, four teeth had to depart from my head.  It was not a fun experience for me.  I was given plenty of Novocain shots (not fun in and of themselves), but I wasn't given laughing gas or knocked out like Ben and Jennifer were.  It's not an enjoyable experience to have to sit in the dentist's chair listening to every crack, crunch, pop and snap as said dentist removed each tooth.  Those sounds are still with me even today if I think hard enough  about the experience.  I get the willies just thinking about those noises. 

After putting the dentist visit off for about a month or so, I finally gave in and prepared myself for the inevitable.  My mom drove me to the appointment.   During the car ride to Montpelier, Idaho, I kept telling her that I was only going to have one of the teeth removed.  A previous preliminary visit had shown that my bottom two wisdom teeth were coming in at an angle toward my back molars.  One was pressing up against my teeth and definitely needed to be removed before it became impacted.  The other one could be put on hold, but would eventually need to be taken.  My two top wisdom teeth were coming in at an angle toward my cheeks.  They too would need subsequent removal, but could also be put off for the time being.  Nowadays, it appears that all these teeth would have needed to come out regardless because it isn't something the Church wants to have to deal with—especially for missionaries who could develop problems and complications while serving in a third world country.  Having an impacted tooth in that situation would not be ideal to say the least.  In my case, the dentist had led me to believe it was my choice.  If I wanted to only take the impacted tooth that was fine with him. 

We arrived at the office and, after a 10 or so minutes, I was marched like a prisoner awaiting execution to an examination room and told to sit in the dentist’s chair (I swear it looked  like an electric chair to me at that moment).  I was plunked in and prepped.  Then the dentist (who, if I remember correctly was also our stake president) entered the room.  He asked me how many of my teeth I wanted pulled and I told him, “Just the impacted  one.”  He told me again that all my wisdom teeth would have to come out eventually, but I shook my head.  Just before he was going to give me the first Novocain shot, however, one of his assistants came into the room and told him he was needed to help with some young child who was having a freaky nah-nah moment (I could hear him in the other examining room).  I was left by myself for about 6 or 7 minutes (at least, it seemed that long) while order was restored.  During that time (who knows, maybe Providence was giving me time to think about my decision), I came to the conclusion that if the other 3 wisdom teeth would need to come out eventually, I might as well get it over with now.  I’m sitting in the chair; the dentist is ready to get started.  Why not be done with it; recover; and move on with life?  I reasoned.

When the dentist returned to my room and asked one more time if I was sure if I only wanted the one tooth removed, I blurted out, “Just take them all.  Take them all and get it over with!”  The impacted tooth needed several extra shots of Novocain before I couldn’t feel it anymore.  Again, I heard every crack, crinkle and crunch before each tooth was removed from my mouth, but, then it was over and finished!   My mouth was packed with gauze and I was lead into the waiting room.  My mother took one look at me and her face became a frown.  I wasn't sure why, but she looked like a dragon ready to lay waste to the county-side with fire and brimstone!  She quietly and quickly paid and led me to the car to drive me back home.  I was a mess.  Because of the additional shots, I couldn’t feel the bottom half of my face.  Everything from the bottom of my nose to halfway down my neck was numb.  At one point, Mom reached over and handed me a paper napkin and told me I was drooling on myself—I had no clue. 

Fifteen long, quiet minutes had passed before Mom looked at me and said something like, “What happened in there?”  I couldn’t speak very well, so I  gave her my best impression of a quizzical look. “You said you only wanted one tooth removed,” she continued. “How many did he take?”  “All of them,” I mumbled through numb lips.  “Did he do that on his own?” she asked.  Clarity enlightened me at that moment.  Suddenly I understood the silent car ride and the enraged look she had given me.  I had been so adamant about only wanting one tooth extracted on the drive to Montpelier that Mom thought the dentist had gone rouge on me and pulled them all out against my will.  If my jaw hadn’t been so numb and my mouth not packed with gauze, I might have laughed at the situation.  Instead, I burbled, “No, no, I asked him to.  I changed my mind.  I decided I might as well get it over with, so I told him to take them all.”  My admission calmed her.  I get the feeling that if the dentist hadn’t been our stake president, Mom might have gone for his eyes while we were in the office. ☺   Instead, all was well.  It took a couple of days to recover.  I don’t remember swelling up or anything like that; just pain and a tender jaw for 2 or 3 days. 

Ah, memories.  With this procedure accomplished, Ben is closer to having all the prerequisites needed to submit his mission papers.  A few more appointments remain and then the fun really begins! ☺ 

Something I've Never Done Before

As the title of this post states, I did something today I’ve never done before—I donated blood.  I’m not mentioning this in order to be given pats on the back (or to seem as though I’m doing it to myself), but if this blog is to serve as a type of journal, I want the things I write about to not just cover the regular aspects of my life, but to capture those moments when my experiences step outside of what is “the norm” for me.  This experience definitely qualifies. ☺

The blood drive was sponsored by my work.  Honestly, I’m not sure why I decided to participate this time when I have not done so during other opportunities.   All I can say is that I felt like I should—I had an impression and it was then up to me to respond to it or let it pass me by.  Blood and I aren’t friends.  Yes, I know that as a mortal being I need blood to live, but what I mean is that my reaction to seeing blood on the outside of me instead of inside of me—where it’s supposed to be—would not make me an immediate candidate for a job as a doctor. ☺   I don’t even know what my blood type is!  I remember studying a section on blood typing when I took biology in high school.  Mr. Forrest had chemicals that were supposed to help us know what blood type we had, but I don’t remember the results.

There was a point today when I almost lost my nerve.  Besides the idea of seeing blood on the outside of me, needles and I have never been friends either.  Furthermore, the  thought of having my blood drained from my body took me back to the summer when I was seven or eight and stepped on a piece of glass when going outside to move a water hose (that’s an interesting story in and of itself, maybe I’ll tell it one day).  One of the powerful memories of that experience was hobbling back along to the sidewalk toward the house and looking behind me to see the trail of blood splotches.  When I saw that, my seven-year-old brain was convinced that all my life’s blood was draining out of my foot.

Those types of memories aren’t easy to dismiss.  But I screwed up my courage and asked the co-worker who was one of the coordinators of the blood drive if I could participate.  I told her this would be the first time I’d ever donated and she said she would hold my hand if I needed her to.  That wasn’t necessary, but I wanted to know what I needed to do.  She told me there were plenty of spots open in the afternoon and to go ahead and eat lunch before going to the blood drive bus.

As I approached the front door of the bus a little later, I was met by a lady from the Red Cross who had me look over some pamphlets to help me understand the process.  I made sure to mention my first time status and was assured by one of the nurses who was also standing outside at the time that they would take good care of me.  There were a lot of questions to answer prior to actually giving blood.  I understand it is important that the blood supply be kept as safe as possible, but some of those questions were pretty personal.  Thankfully, I was able to answer “no” to all the questions needing that answer, and “yes” to all the questions needing that answer.

With all the preliminaries accomplished, it was time to climb up onto a bed (such as they were—I had to bend my knees in order to lay my back flat since none of them were long enough for me) and let the nurse prep my arm.  She shellacked my inner elbow with iodine.  As soon as the iodine went on my arm, the skin of that area became cold.  Then there was the inevitable “little pinch.”  I guess medical people use this phrase as a way to avoid telling their patient that they’re about to get jabbed with a needle.  I stared resolutely at the ceiling throughout this process—I had absolutely no desire to look.  As my blood began to flow through the tube and into the bag hooked up next to the bed, I had this fascinating and creepy cold and warm sensation on the skin of my inner elbow.  The nurse also gave me something to squeeze every 10 seconds.

Since my left arm was being employed, I had no way to look at my watch or have any sense of how long this process took.  When the required amount was given, I was told to lie still for a few minutes.  My first try at sitting up didn’t last long—after a minute or two, I felt woozy again and needed to lie back down for about 10 more minutes.  The nurse told me this was normal since my body was recovering from the sudden loss of blood.  My second try at sitting up was more successful.  I was given another water bottle and some cookies and Cheez-Its to eat.  After about 10 more minutes, I finally felt good enough to return to my desk.  Overall, it felt good to participate.  Maybe the reason I felt prompted to overcome my fears and do this was because someone out there needed my specific blood type, or maybe I needed to do this to overcome the fear—I don’t know.  I’m glad I followed through, whatever the reason.  The lady who helped sign me up in the beginning was still outside, talking to the co-worker coordinator when I exited the bus.  She told me I had saved three lives by donating.  Maybe they say that to everyone, but the comment made the anxiety and wooziness worth it.  Would I do it again?  Not sure.  If anything, I have learned that the process isn’t as bad as I may have envisioned.  Maybe I will do it again next time. ☺

Spring Concert

This evening we were able to watch Isaac participate in the final choir concert of the school year.  He is a member of the men's choir.  They sang three songs and were then joined by the women’s choir for a fourth (the accompanying picture is not the clearest, but it's the best of all those taken; you sometimes do the best with that which is available ☺).  For the final song of the night, all the groups (there is also a group called chamber singers) joined together.  Part of the fun for me at this concert was that I heard Isaac singing.  There were several times when his specific voice reached my ears.  It was good to know he was not just standing there mouthing the words (a trick that one or two did during my high school choir days and one that Isaac has told me some have  done in his experience). 

The other thing I noticed was the improvement in the groups from the fall concert to this one.  I recall the teacher/director (Mrs. Young) making the statement back in the fall that some of the students in her classes had never been in a choir before—honestly, there were moments during the fall concert when it showed.  This time, I noticed a distinct improvement in the quality of the singing.  I appreciated even more the work the students had exhibited to improve.  It was a reminder to me that this is what our lives here on earth are all about: improving (however incremental that improvement might be) as we walk the path back to Father in Heaven.  Isaac has also been doing well with school (a few hiccups here and there, but overall doing well).  He has also been a big help around the house.  Jennifer and I have been very happy with his attitude and desire to assist.  Isaac’s freshman year has shown marked improvement in the “growing up” aspect of things.  He’s still Isaac (and that is a good thing, because of his good heart and personality), but a certain maturity has set in that has been nice to see. ☺

A Movie and Dinner

As opposed to dinner and a movie, I guess. ☺  For a portion of this post, my whirly-bird hat is planted firmly on the top of my head as today we trekked to the local Cineplex and watched the latest Avengers movie: The Age of Ultron (first for three of us; second time for Ben).

I liked the movie; thought it was very good and well executed.  I'll have to admit that I didn't have the same feeling of wonder this time as I did with the first movie, but then, achieving that same level is a very difficult goal to accomplish.  There are certain things that happen in a first movie that just cannot be duplicated in a sequel no matter how hard the director may try.  The first time I saw Darth Vader enter the crippled rebel ship; the first time Peter Parker began to climb a wall; the first time the Avengers truly assembled to take on the threat to the earth.  No matter how hard a filmmaker tries, it is very difficult to duplicate the thrill of those "first" moments, because once they've been seen for the first time, everything afterward doesn't quite measure up.  The second and third and fourth (if it reaches that far) movies, can go one of two ways: either mail it in and cause the audience to immediately think, "ho-hum," or work to offer new moments that can recreate, to the best of the filmmaker's ability, the feelings of the audience to the "first" movie without ripping off those prior moments.  As far as I'm concerned, the quality of the succeeding films is is based more on giving us new moments to enjoy rather than ripping off old moments and attempting to repackage them as new.  Based on this definition, I think Joss Whedon succeeded with this sequel.

I guess the thing I missed a little bit was the humor.  Yes, there was the running joke about Captain America and his "language" comment, but for me none of the humorous moments reached the same level as the first movie.  But then, I'm not sure anyone would be able to top the scene in the first Avengers movie when Hulk slams Loki against the floor of the Stark building like a rag doll.  The unexpectedness of Hulk's reaction and the visual of him misusing the "puny god" was amazing.  It would be difficult to even begin to match the hilarity of that scene.  I hadn't laughed that hard during a movie in so long that I can't even recall the circumstances of the last situation. ☺  Plus, I've never been a big fan of the Hulk, but when he grabbed Loki by the ankle and began slamming him against the floor I nearly fell out of my theater chair I was laughing so hard.  Loki so needed to be humbled in that way that there was no feeling sorry for him.  Honestly, I'm not sure there would be any way possible to match or top such a moment.

James Spader was a great choice as the voice of Ultron.  He has such a smoothly menacing voice in this movie.  The special effects for these movies are improving by leaps and bounds.  Ultron seemed to be a truly integrated part of the action.  I thought the creation of the Vision was executed well.  Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch were fully realized.  I admit being disappointed by Quicksilver's death.  It was set up well in the sense that he died saving Hawkeye and the child, but, still it was a bummer.  My conclusion is that just as Iron Man and the others needed Phil Coulson's death in the first movie to trigger the team to "avenge" his death, Scarlet Witch needed Quicksilver's death to do the same.  I understand the reasons, but that doesn't mean I completely like the results.  Still, as I said, I enjoyed the movie.  Plenty of action; the Hulk-buster suit; a quiet moment to get to flesh out Hawkeye's character; Nick Fury is back from "exile;" and the Infinity War is set up.  All good stuff. ☺

The "dinner" part was our annual trek to Outback.  I gave a more detailed description of the origin of this family tradition last year.  In fact as I re-read the post, I was reminded that last year's trip was a movie and dinner as well (Captain America: The Winter Soldier; the set-up for this movie).  The one moment that made this year's trip a bit melancholy was my realization that this will be Ben's last time with us for at least two years (possibly more).  When I said my realization out loud, Jennifer got a little misty eyed and Ben became a bit embarrassed. ☺  Next time we go, Ben will be serving somewhere as a missionary.  He has begun working on his papers and hopes to have them completed soon.  It will be a little different for him in that he will need letters from his orthopedic and rheumatology doctors as well as all the other important components, but we are hopeful that he will be able to serve the Lord as a missionary.  It is an exciting thing to contemplate, but also a bit sad to realize he won't be physically with us.  The moment passed when the food was served and we had a great time together re-living the movie and enjoying our time together participating in one of our favorite traditions. ☺