Unexpected Lessons

On Friday after work, I headed up to Camp Hinckley in the Big Bear area to serve as the chaperone for the priests in our ward who were going to be attending the Priest and Laurel Conference put together by our stake YM and YW leaders.  Actually, I should amend that statement by saying that I was going to chaperone the priest who would be attending.  Isaac has been sick all week and just started getting over it by Wednesday.  Jennifer and I didn't feel that subjecting him to cold mountain temperatures was a good idea so soon after recovering.  Another priest was involved in high school basketball and the other two had not indicated an interest in going.  That left one.

On my way to work that morning, I ran over something at 15/215 interchange that flattened my back driver's side tire.  Thankfully, I was able to keep control of my car and drive it to the next exit to put on the donut (that was fun, especially when I realized I'd left my cell phone at home--I'm such a knucklehead sometimes).  I got to work late.  Luckily, a Costco is not far from work and I was able to get new tires (all of them needed replacing anyway).  But the unexpected problem caused me to leave later for Big Bear then I'd planned.

Trying to navigate in the dark was interesting (this was a moment when have a GPS would have been advantageous).  At one point, I was stopped on the right road while looking for that road on the Google map I had printed before leaving work, but I didn't know I was on the right road until I drove away and came back to it 10 minutes later. *sigh* When I finally arrived, I went into the lodge and found out that the one priest who was going to come had become sick that morning and wasn't there (cue The Price Is Right "fail" music).  I was told that I could go home if I wanted to.  For a moment, the idea sounded appealing, but at the same time I couldn't justify it.  I asked, "Do you need my help?" and was told that an extra adult presence was always welcome. "Well, I'm here and I've got all my stuff.  I might as well stay."

So I ate pizza and watched the youth who were in attendance participate in get-to-know-you, bonding and problem solving games.  It was fascinating for me to watch.  These were things that my stake didn't do when I was a teenager.  However, knowing me at that age, I'm not sure I would have participated (difficult to say for sure, but I find myself leaning more toward "not").  After the lodge was cleaned up, I went to cabin where I would be with two other adults leaders and about five young men (I think--it might have been six--some were upstairs and some were downstairs and I'm not sure if I saw all of them).  I had a room to myself.  I got ready for bed, did a little writing and went to sleep at the call for lights out.

The next morning after breakfast, a series of classes were held.  The first was given by Brother Dan Andrus from the Phelan Ward.  He is the principal of Serrano High School.  He talked about making the types of important decisions all youth and young adults make starting at their priest and laurel years to about 5 to 10 years thereafter.  While he was talking to the youth, his presentation for me was a reminder of how we all should make decisions no matter where we are in life.  He quoted D&C 8:2 where the Lord told Oliver Cowdery "behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost" concerning the gift he had given him to translate.  Later, when Oliver's attempts to translate failed, the Lord gently chastened Oliver by stating, "Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you ... But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought" (D&C 9:7-9, emphasis added).  The thing that the Lord taught Oliver in this instance is that he should pray, but he should also make an effort to solve the problem himself before praying.

Sometimes we think, "I have a problem, I'll pray about it and the Lord will tell me what to do."  If this were the case, the Lord would have told the Brother of Jared to make the stones that would serve as lights in the barges.  Instead, the Lord asked, "What will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea" (Ether 2:25, emphasis added)?  Jared's brother came up with a solution and in faith, brought that solution to the Lord and then he saw the Savior's finger.  God wants us to put in some legwork and make some decisions and then come to Him and talk it over.  If the decision is a good one, the Holy Ghost will manifest it unto us through the burning bosom or some other way we may feel his influence.  It's too easy to just turn things over to the Lord.  If he gave us the answer every time we asked, what would we learn?  Where would be our opportunity to exercise our moral agency?  This life is a test.  Father will not make our decisions for us.  He'll help to confirm whether our decisions are correct or not, but He will not take our agency from us.

The second presentation was by Brother Vaughn Thomas, the Stake YM president.  His topic was conflict resolution.  He gave a handout listing the 10 commandments of conflict resolution (I've edited them a little):

1. Conflict is a reality.  There is no escaped the fact.  Hiding won't solve anything.

2. You can't wish the problem away.  Keeping your feelings cooped inside won't work.

3. Learn to deal with the problem, not the person.  Don't make it personal.

4. Be respectful.  Listen to the other person.  Zoning out is not the solution.

5. Be assertive.  Being assertive means putting your views forward confidently and calmly.

6. Learn to negotiate.  This is the most important skill that will serve you in the long term.

7. Stick to the present.  Don't drag in past issues; it will only muddy the conflict further.

8. The silent treatment does not work.  Sulking won't solve the problem.  Talk it out.

9. Be understanding.  Try to put yourself in the other person's shoe.  Don't get defensive.

10. Learn to say sorry.  Doing so will not make you a wimp.  Only a strong person has the strength to say "sorry."  This simple word can work like magic.  Try it!

He also showed a video stating that conflicts usually come about because a person has an unfulfilled need.  The problem is that the other party, instead of trying to find out what that need may be and then negotiating with the person to help fulfill that need, usually digs in because they are feeling attacked and immediately attacks back.  This was also a good class for me because I have problems with conflict resolution sometimes and it also gave me some insights to pass along to Ben to help him with a conflict that has come up between his companionship and the ward mission leader and bishop in his new area.

After these two classes, I knew why it was good for me to come even though I technically didn't need to.  I needed to hear these two lessons.  The third lesson discussed easy ways to solve common household problems; I knew nearly all of them.  The fourth was interesting in that it was taught by Brother Gibbons who is the institute teacher in our area.  He teaches Jennifer's seminary inservice meetings.  He talked about conversion and testimony and how important they are.  I was so into his lesson that there were times I wanted to raise my hand and chime in with answers.  I had to remind myself that he was asking the youth--not me. J

Funny thing: on my way home I stopped at our local Conroy's flower shop to buy Valentine flowers for Jennifer (I caved to the corporate flower shop overlords who make Valentine's Day a "holiday"--it was for an excellent cause J).  While there, I watched an interesting example of the right and wrong way to handle conflict resolution.  While I was standing in line, a group of women were looking over a bridal bouquet prepared by one of the workers.  The leader of the group didn't like the ferns used at the base of the bouquet, she said it didn't match with the online picture she had seen (there was the problem).  The worker replied that the ferns in the picture were a type that weren't in stock at the moment because of all the Valentine's bouquets had used up their supply (conflict).  The lady said she had ordered the bouquet months in advance for the wedding and wanted what she ordered (escalating conflict).  The worker deftly solved the problem by going in the back and coming out with a different fern that did give the base of the bouquet a fuller look (negotiation).  The lady was happy with this and the worker left to make the agreed upon changes (problem solved).

However, then another worker (who had been blowing up balloons and had no idea what was going on) decided to but into the already solved conflict and remind the lady what had already been said: the type of fern she wanted was not available during Valentine's day (digging in and attacking).  The lady, to her credit, calmly put balloon worker in her place by restating that she had ordered the bouquet several months in advance and that the problem was being handled.  A situation that could have blown up into a heated argument that didn't need to happen was rendered harmless and balloon lady sheepishly went back to blowing up more balloons--which she should have continued doing and not stuck her nose in where it didn't need to be.  I hope I can take these lessons more to heart and do a better job at resolving conflicts and making decisions and staying true to the gospel.